Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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