i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
