I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
