I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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