I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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