You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
handjob tips. give me some.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
