That's when you crack a 10am beer
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
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its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
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So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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