You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
