Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
