fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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