I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
