I have demons in me.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Sorry about my life...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
