I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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