Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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