If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i would punch a child for taco bell
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
