I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
