Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
