the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
