Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
