So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
