don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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