i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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