I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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