I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
