Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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