My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
