Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Dick very happy bro
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
