I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
