i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
