i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
