i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
pray to the hookup gods
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
