your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
