the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize