I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
