And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
