now i know why i became what i already was.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
