I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
