Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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