Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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