I wish my penis had an off switch
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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