what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
