Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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