Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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