I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
