yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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