I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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