oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
