The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
