Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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