Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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