you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i now understand why vodka
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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