Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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