Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
Randomize
