Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
