I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
