using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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