Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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