Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
